Funny Videos

SNL – Motherlover

Justin Timberlake in SNL digital short: Motherlover

When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle – they’re on TV!

Bingo! I love that game, but I can’t remember what to say when you win.

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life’s problems.

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Save me, Jeebus!

Facts are meaningless – you could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

I’m not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!

Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

I don’t hate your mother, I just won’t be sad when she dies.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain – remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You/re making a scene’.

I’m a ‘Spalding Gray’ in a ‘Rick Dees’ world.

Donuts…is there anything they can’t do?

Trying is the first step toward failure.

Because they’re stupid, that’s why. That’s why everybody does everything!

That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex! It’s also the food preparation.

When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.


America’s health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well…all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!

It’s like something out of that “twilighty” show about that zone.

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man – which makes me the woman; and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which (as we discussed) is strictly a comfort thing.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her “non-violent” programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love…

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England!

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

Without our immigrants, who will kick our field goals, or train our white tigers?

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure…not even close!

Beer – now THERE’S a temporary solution.

How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What’s His Name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those “Police Academy” movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing – did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.

Or what? You’ll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You’re saying butt-kisser like it’s a bad thing!

Well, let’s just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, ‘Marge, if this doesn’t get your motor running, my name isn’t Homer J. Simpson.’

I know what you’re saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!

Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.

You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.

Those guys were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Extended warranty? How can I lose?

Mmmmmm – 52 slices of American cheese.

Hey, I asked for ketchup – I’m eatin’ salad here!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie… “Spaceballs”. But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie “Police Academy”.

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

Son, when you participate in sporting events – it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!

I’m trying to fix your mother’s camera. Easy, easy – Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.

Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy.

God bless those pagans.

Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.

I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!

All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power – like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I hope I didn’t brain my damage!

Nuts and gum, together at last!

We’ll die together, like a father and son should.

Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

We’re gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!

First you don’t want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and… um… Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster’s dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one’s garden.

Now, Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can’t go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain’t ketchup!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”

I don’t have to be careful, I’ve got a gun!

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.

Books are useless: I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird” – and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?

Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

I’m not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!

Real Newspaper Ads
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FREE PUPPIES…
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a
single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat … Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown – 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

If you like what you see subscribe to my RSS feed. There is much more great stuff to come!!

Five days a week, my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.

That’s irrelevant, and irrelevant never forgets.

Apathy: I could take it or leave it.

If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

There’s no right way to eat a Rhesus.

If life gives you peanuts, make peanut butter.

Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don’t drive!

You are 98% chimp.

Faster than a speeding ticket.

Better half a slogan…

People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do.

Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency.

I never thought I’d miss Nixon.

Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

Jesus loves me, this I know – that is why I don’t drive slow!

Churches only worship the prophet margin.

Screw world peace, visualize DRIVING.

Don’t believe everything you think.

My feminine side is lesbian.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

Cats make everything taste better.

Stable relationships are for horses.

Your body would look good in my trunk.

Just say NO to negativity.

I thought I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure.

I read the Constitution for the articles.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade.

I’ve heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.

Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).

My gamer fragged your honor student.

The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.

My dog is smarter than your honor student.

I feel better after I wine a little.

Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.

I’m still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes.

National Spellling Bee Runer-Up

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

The Moral Majority is neither.

Dyslexics Untie!

Sorry if I look interested, I’m not!

I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy.

When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Custer wore an Arrow shirt.

I’m pink, therefore I’m SPAM.

I love animals. They’re delicious.

I poke badgers with spoons.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.

I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

That’s not a haircut, it’s a cry for help.

If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order.

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

Excess is never too much in moderation.

My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Think globally, Act galactically.

My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

Don’t believe everything you think.

Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!

Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

Life is short. So buy the shoes!

Never believe generalizations.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

I don’t think, therefore I am not.

Avoid alliterations always.

Fishermen don’t die, they just smell that way.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Say “NO” to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

What would Ashton do?

Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

What would Gandalf do?

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Double your drive space. Delete Windows.

Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.

Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).

My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.

MOP AND GLO – The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

I’m Canadian. It’s like being American, but without the gun.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.

Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Nuke the Whales! We’ll hunt them at night.

Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).

If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?

Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.

Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.

If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.

So many cats, so few recipes.

Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

I plan to live forever. So far, so good!

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.

On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

On your mark, get set, go away!

What would Scooby do?

Honk if the twins fall out.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Sorry I missed church. I’ve been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Let’s skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!

I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability.

If you can read this, you’re not the president.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

Liberal Arts major: will think for food.

Adjure obfuscation.

Visualize Whirled Peas

If you can read this, I’ve lost the trailer!

Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

I didn’t climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

What we need is a patch for stupidity!

Follow that car, Godzilla – and step on it !

Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union.

Procrastinate now.

The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.

Rehab is for quitters.

My dog can lick anyone!

I have a degree in Liberal Arts – do you want fries with that?

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.

I’m out of estrogen and I’ve got a gun!

I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Mop and Glo – The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.

NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

You – Off my planet.

If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.

I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

There’s no place like 127.0.0.1

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I’m supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

In dog years, I’m dead!

South Korea’s got Seoul!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Above all else, sky.

The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.

God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

IRS: Be Audit You Can Be

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

A day without sunshine is like night.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Old age comes at a bad time.

If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?

In America, anyone can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?

I’m an English major: You do the math.

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

I R S: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Out of my mind – back in five minutes.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

Hang up and drive.

Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.

I said “no” to drugs, but they didn’t listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU’RE still an idiot.

I fish, therefore I lie.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Honk If you want to see my finger.

I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Constipation causes people not to give a crap.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

What if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about?

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!

Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils: people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!

So you’re kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.

Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Your stupid!

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I’m deaf and blind.

Honk if you’ve never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.

Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Worry. God knows all about you.

I drive the speed limit. If you don’t like it, call a cop!

Vote Democrat – it’s easier than working!

Vote Republican – it’s easier than thinking!

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Squirrels: Nature’s speed bumps.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Here are some courses for men taught by women and for women taught by men.  I put the courses for men first.  I mean I don’t need these classes but for the rest of the men out there.  And ladies no matter how perfect your gender is, your classes are second.

Courses for
Men and Women

Courses for Men

Taught by women, for men.

101	Combating Stupidity
102	You Too Can Do Housework
103	P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
104	How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
105	We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas – Give Us Money
106	Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
107	Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly “Don’t Wash My  Silks”)
108	Parenting – No, It Doesn’t End With Conception
109	Get a Life – Learn How To Cook
110	How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
111	Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
112	Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
113	You – The Weaker Sex
114	Reasons To Give Flowers
115	How To Stay Awake After
116	Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom
117	Garbage – Getting It To the Curb
118A	You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
118B	The Morning Dilemma – If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
119	The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
120	How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
121	How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
122	The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
123	Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
124	How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
125	You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
126	Honest, You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
127	Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
128	The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary
129	Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
130	Real Men Ask For Directions
131	How To Take Illness Like a Man

Courses for Women

Taught by men, for women.

101	Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
102	Doing Housework Without Complaining
103	Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
104	Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)
105	Understanding the Male Response to “Do I Look OK?”
106	Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
107	Learning How to Initiate Intimacy
108	How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
109	Understanding the Male Response to “Am I Fat?”
110	Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
111	The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too
112	Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to “Make Love”
113	“The Weekend” and “Long Boring Walks” Are Not Synonymous
114	How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
115	The Remote Control: Don’t Touch What You Can’t Handle
116	You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
117	Honest, You Don’t Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You’re Acceptable
118	Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)
119	Runs In Your Nylons? It’s Not the End of the World
120	Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
121	Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There
122	Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
123	Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
124	Makeup: The Less is More Theory
125	Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

I’m lucky I got a pretty good mother in-law, but I have known some that make Jason (the freaky guy from the horror movies with a hockey mask) look like a nancy ballerina.  I think this was written by one of them.  This is a wedding invitation from a crazy mom, and that bottom picture is straight from a redneck wedding.  Enjoy!!

Some “Senior” personal ads seen in Florida
newspapers: (Who says seniors don’t have a sense
of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired
beauty, 80’s, slim, 5′4″ (Used to be 5′6″), searching
for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who
has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for
someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you
are the silent type, let’s get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with
original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like
to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still
like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick,
or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and
listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday
through Thursday. If you can remember Friday,
Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads
together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including
hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running
condition, but walks well.

I saw this a while ago.  It’s a little sentimental but, it’s really something everyone deserves to read before they get married (or even after the honeymoon phase wears off).

To All Married Couples and Singles Who Intend To Get Married

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know What I was thinking. I want a divorce.

I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage.

But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew.

I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house,

30% shares of my company and the car.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger.

I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release.

The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table.

I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because

I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing.

I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me,

but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both

struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a

months time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal

room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month’s duration I carry her out of

our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy.

Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd.

No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body

contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day,

we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought

me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with

her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset.

I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse.

I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she

was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying!

Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman

who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was

growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by.

Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one.

Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me; she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.

Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mum out.

To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute.

I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway.

Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.

Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.

I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs.

Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head.

Sorry, Dew, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I

didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more.

Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death does us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed

the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card.

I smiled and wrote: ‘I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart’

The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship.

It is not the mansion, the car, the property, the bank balance that matters.

These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.

Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you, but if you do, you just might save a marriage.

Relationships are made not to exploit, not to be broken.

We teach some by what we say

We teach some more by what we do

But we teach most by what we are

You don’t get to choose how you are going to die, or when, but, you can decide how you are going to live, here and now.

Remember:

people will forget what you said …

people will forget what you did …

but people will never forget how you made them feel …

-Will